Every B1G Football Coach's New Years Resolution

Changes for men that refuse to change

Bret Bielema

I will not be making an easy joke. I will not be saying Bret Bielema needs to get in shape. Not because Bret Bielema doesn’t need to lose weight, but because he has no interest in doing so. He’s happy with himself, and quite frankly he has bigger fish to fry than that. He’s not Lane Kiffin, who lost a ton of weight this last offseason because he was ashamed of himself. Bielema is proud of who he is. 

No, the most important change Bret Bielema can make is to bring back his beard. The beard made its first and only appearance while Bielema was coaching at Arkansas, and as you can clearly see here, it’s slimming effects are readily apparent. He looks incredible with it, and it would take no extra work on his part. 

Tom Allen

Indiana’s all-time winningest coach over his first four seasons, Tom Allen failed to find nearly as much success as he was used to over the 2021 season. His resolution is simple: learn to block out the noise. The haters are aplenty: people saying Indiana overperformed in 2020, that they belong at the bottom of the Big Ten, etc. None of that’s true. They don’t need to be a 9-win team every year and compete in the best division in football; as long as they keep making bowl games or getting close, Allen will be there as long as he wants to be. 

Kirk Ferentz

Kirk Ferentz should focus on spending more time with his family this year. He’s been away from them for nearly all of his adult life. It would be extremely healthy to spend as much time with them while he still can. His entire family will cherish those memories for the rest of their lives, and that’s something you just can’t get coaching. Hell, he can take Brian with him! Make merry with the whole clan. 

Mike Locksley

Locksley can make his life better by avoiding people who complain a lot. This might be media members, fans, former players, whomever. People are always going to find something to complain about; like Tom Allen, he can’t let it get to him. The man just had a 7-win season capped off with a bowl victory; anyone who still says he’s not the right man for Maryland can kick rocks. 

Jim Harbaugh

He accomplished last year’s resolution of going somewhere he’s never been, so what’s next? Well for one, he needs to be nicer to himself. He finally beat his chief rival, he went to the Big Ten Championship and won, and he made the College Football Playoff. He’s ridiculously hard on himself, but now he has everything he could ever want. No one can slander him anymore. He should let himself relax a little bit. 

Mel Tucker

This man does not need to change anything. 

P.J. Fleck

P.J. Fleck, a man that worships at the church of the routine: he shaves his head four times a day, has committed to only one slogan throughout his entire coaching career, has a closet full of exactly one outfit, and just rehired his long-time offensive coordinator. You can’t tell me this man isn’t a picky eater. P.J. Fleck is the guy who orders a well-done steak and if there’s the slightest bit of pink he sends it back and doesn’t tip. If they don’t have steak, he probably gets a plain cheeseburger. This man hates flavor. 

TRY SOMETHING NEW THIS YEAR FLECK. 

Scott Frost

You know what Scott Frost needs? He’s brought in outside talent to fill his offensive staff, brought in transfers throughout his roster, but he still hasn’t brought in an outside guy to play quarterback. Maybe this year will be different; maybe he’ll bring in enough outside competition for Logan Smothers that he has to actually compete for the starting quarterback job. Frost hasn’t had a quarterback battle yet, but it’s well past time he did. 

Pat Fitzgerald

When the Bears call, answer. 

Ryan Day

When the Bears call, answer. 

James Franklin

Imagine James Franklin, at peace with himself and the people around him, not letting anything bother him. It’d be like finding the Northwest Passage; treacherous, difficult, impossible, deadly. The man can hold a grudge for years. He’s going to be talking about players faking injuries for the next decade at LEAST. 

He just needs to let it all go. Let the grudges go. Forgive and forget. Maybe he can learn something from these coaches that keep beating him instead of dissing their teams to the media. 

Jeff Brohm

Genuinely nothing. Everyone should aspire to punch above their weight class like Jeff Brohm. 

Greg Schiano

This is a body positive community, we love people of all shapes and sizes, so when I say that Greg Schiano could probably afford to lose some weight this year, I’m coming from a sincere place. 

Greg Schiano, whether he realizes it or not, is a very stressed out man. I can only assume his blood pressure is 200/120. He’s never going to calm down. He’s not the type of guy who would ever really get into meditation, or god forbid therapy, so the only other option is for him to drop some pounds before he combusts. 

Paul Chryst

I really believe that Paul Chryst is yet another Adonis, something for all of the other Big Ten coaches to aspire to. It’s hard to improve upon perfection; after early season struggles, Wisconsin recommitted to their running game and nearly made it to the Big Ten Championship. He’s true to what Wisconsin is, looks and acts like a prototypical Midwestern dad, and always has the cleanest crew neck in the country. He needs to worry go and just be himself, because he’s amazing.