Ah geez. Winter is fast approaching. This is being published on December 1st, the unofficial start of winter (when people start saying it’s winter even if it technically isn’t), and last week I received the first blanket of snow of the season. We all know what that means: people being wholly unprepared for the blistering cold.
People think they know the cold. They think they can put on a coat and some nice, thick socks and survive. News flash: you will die. That might work in North Carolina or Tennessee, but not in the Midwest. You will get Jack Torrance’d if you’re out here with that shit on. The Midwest Winter will freeze your blood and turn you straight into a White Walker if you try that.
To combat that, and to help those woefully unready for the harsh frost they are about to experience, I decided someone needs to prep them. As someone who has spent over 20 years battling the winters here, who better than me to do it?
First off, you’re going to need a proper coat. Not one of those paper thin satin windbreakers. Those are fine in the fall and the spring, or if you’re outdoors at a game and want to represent your team. If you do that thought, you’re going to need at least a shirt and a hoodie under it. But, and I cannot stress this enough, that’s not going to be enough most of the time. When you’re drunk though, it’ll do.
No no no, you need a thick-ass coat. Fur, duck, leather, wool, whatever you want, as long as it’s eight inches thick and covers your entire midsection. Everyone needs at least one. A coat you can take anywhere, do anything with: shovel snow, walk through a blizzard, eat with the windows open, use it as a blanket in your car, etc. If necessary, it needs to be able replicate the inner workings of a tauntaun.
This coat should be your best friend in the entire world. It’ll be the Best Man/Maid of Honor at your wedding, the first blanket for your child and/or puppy, and the last thing you see before you die (if the coat murders you, so be it.) When you are buried, you will be stitched inside the coat, for not even the fires of Hell will be warmer.
Boots are easily the second-most important thing you can buy for the snow and sludge you’re sure to encounter. Unlike a coat, you’ll probably have to replace these every couple years or so, so I recommend finding a brand and a fit that you like and sticking with it.
Your boots absolutely need to be waterproof unless you want an elf to steal your toes. If you want them to be lined inside to provide extra warmth, that’s a personal decision and probably a HIPAA violation if you tell me about it. You need to come into that on your own. I know someone who doesn’t like lined boots because they can be tighter and tougher to fit correctly, but that’s just him. Only you can decide.
Wool socks are a necessity, even if you get boots that are lined on the interior. They’ll provide extra warmth, keep any water that might slip into your boots out, and absorb all of the odors your boots will inevitably create (please do not fact check this.)
You can find them anywhere, and no brand is really better than any of the others. If you want plain black/gray socks, go for it. If you want to get creative with colors and patterns, that is your right. I’ve been known to experiment with argyle from time-to-time. It can make life more enjoyable.
Gloves are good and will keep your hands from falling off. No, gloves are not feminine. A decent pair of gloves can save your life if you get stuck out in the cold. But really, if you can get over how they look, you’re going to want a pair of mittens. They keep your fingers together, which in turn traps heat and maintains warmth. Wool is the warmest, but they also might tear if they get caught on something. If you’re willing to buy some every couple years, sure, wool is your best option. If you can’t expense that, synthetics work almost as well and can last forever.
2011 Chevy Silverado
Hear me out: I’m sure you’re not Bigfoot and sleep in a bed like most people do (sidenote: if you are Bigfoot, please contact me.) You have blankets, but what I am telling you is you need BLANKETS; one-to-two in every room, potentially more, and at least one in your Silverado.
These are for both coziness and survival. Sometimes you’ll just want to be comfortable next to a fire, watching tv, with underneath your cast-iron coat and six blankets. Trust me: this is living. You will never be more comfortable than when you are unable to move and just decide to fall asleep on the couch.
People (men) rail against scarves and I don’t know why. Unless you’re going to wear a turtleneck every day, you’re going to want to protect ya neck and a scarf is the best way to do it. It should be almost as thick as your coat and as long as three concurrent daschund. You need to be able to wrap it around your entire body or open up doors from a distance in case you forget your gloves.
Howdy! If you have like this, have problems with it, or just want to tell me I’m an idiot, leave a comment! You can also find me on Twitter @B1GOPE if you have any stronger feelings about it. Let me know how you plan on surviving!
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