How to Survive Thanksgiving as a Lions Fan

Yeah, half the ways involve getting drunk

Don’t watch. By far the hardest option if you’re a fan, you can simply not watch the game. No one is forcing you to. There are 1000+ channels and at least 65 streaming services (per my Roku), you can find something else to watch. Turn the television off and talk to the family you haven’t seen in weeks/months/years. It’s a holiday, one of the only days off some of us get, you should take the time and relax with your loved ones and your preferred choice of alcohol.  

If you have to have the television on, throw on Planes, Trains, and Automobiles on repeat for the first couple hours. By the time it gets old, the Cowboys should be starting and you can watch football without any consequences. 

The issue with this is you will be checking your phone because talking to your family can be exhausting and sometimes you need a break. Doing so can be EXTREMELY harmful for your health and is not recommended until the Lions game is over. Go for a walk, help out in the kitchen, throw a child into a wall and claim it's an “accident”, whatever. Checking the Lions box score can lead to shame, anger, suicidal thoughts, or, worst of all, hope.

Drink. If it’s out of control and you have to watch, you can always drink an unholy amount. Beer, bourbon, scotch, vodka, wine: whatever you choose, down it by the gallon. You’ll survive the game, the unnecessary talks with your family about what you’ve been up to, and the Big Sean halftime show. 

You don’t even have to drink alcohol. Want to keep your stomach empty for the feast later on? Just start chugging bottles of water. Let your cells swell up to the size of peas. See how much they can take; if they burst and you die, I consider that a win, now you don’t have to watch the Lions. 

Help out in the kitchen. This is sincere, help out wherever you can. If they don’t need you, that’s fine, but at least offer. It’ll get you away from the tv for a little bit, you’ll get some satisfaction when the food is put out, and completely avoid the game being played. You might even get more leftovers because you helped. 

Hide in the garage. Just go, no one will notice. Go sit in the garage. Don’t think, just do it. 

Start a fight. You won’t be paying any attention to the Lions when you’re choke-slamming an uncle through the living room table. No one’s going to have SHIT to say about the Lions at that point. Again, throw a kid into a wall, maybe convince them to climb into the oven or something. Put your nephew’s head in the turkey. Tell the oldest person there that kids have it harder nowadays. As long as you don’t talk about politics you’re good; if you mention anything that could even be misconstrued as political, you’ve gone too far. 

Did you ruin Thanksgiving? Eh, as long as there aren’t any serious injuries and no hospitalizations, you’re probably in the clear. No one’s going to remember a couple little tussles after they fall asleep at the table with the turkey. If they do, it’ll be a funny story you’ll be telling for years. Maybe you start a new tradition! Put the youngest person in the turkey every year! Slam Grandpa! 

Don’t celebrate. You can always opt to not attend Thanksgiving. There’s an asteroid field of excuses this year (pandemic, vaccines) that can get you out of having to watch the game with your family. You deserve some time for yourself. Stay home, order a pizza or some wings or a Thanksgiving meal from Boston Market and watch the Lions from the comfort of your couch. You only have to talk to people through your burner Twitter and Reddit accounts. No one can yell at you for taking a nap during halftime or eating an entire turkey yourself. This might be the best choice. 

Have fun. You get to watch your favorite team play on national television at the exact same time every single year. They get the best booth in the country to call their game. Every football-watching eye is on them. Your team, for all the troubles they’ve had, is at the center of the football universe for three hours. 

Have some fun with it. Everyone’s expecting the game to be terrible; lean into that. Make fun of Andy Dalton, mock Matt Nagy because God knows he deserves it, and appreciate the ugliness. Look at the bright sides, like the Lions run game and that they’ll have the #1 pick. Watch Aaron Glenn’s defense, half composed of UDFAs and cast offs, hold their own as they’ve done time and time again. Look at Jack Fox drill a 65-yard punt. 

The world is going to be making jokes and you have to be okay with that. Loosen up, have a couple drinks, and get in on them. It’s just a game; you should have fun with it. 

Howdy! If you have like this, have problems with it, or just want to tell me I’m an idiot, leave a comment! You can also find me on Twitter @B1GOPE if you have any stronger feelings about it. Let me know how you plan on surviving!

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