*Author’s note: the Orange Bowl between Michigan & Georgia was not included. A more in-depth look at that game coming later in the week*
9. Gator Bowl
Matchup: Rutgers (5-7, 2-7 B1G) vs #17 Wake Forest (10-3, 7-1 ACC)
Viewing Info: Friday, December 31st, 10:00 a.m. CT, ESPN
Location: TIAA Bank Field, Jacksonville, Florida
This shouldn’t be played and is almost definitely going to result in Rutgers players getting injured or maimed. I’m not even going to talk about what could happen if Noah Vedral tries to match the Wake Forest offense. An offensive juggernaut like Illinois should’ve gotten this spot.
8. New Era Pinstripe Bowl
Matchup: Maryland (6-6, 3-6 B1G) vs. Virginia Tech (6-6, 4-4 ACC)
Viewing Info: Wednesday, Dec. 29, 1:15 p.m. CT, ESPN
Location: Yankee Stadium, Bronx, N.Y.
Honestly this is the best use we’ve ever gotten out of New Yankee Stadium. Virginia Tech is playing for nothing in this game, but it feels like teams playing with lame duck/interim coaches play harder during bowl season? It doesn’t make any sense, and is probably completely wrong, but that’s what it feels like.
Maryland on the other hand… is Maryland. The weapons are good, the quarterback is fine; if they face the slightest bit of adversity, which will probably be brought by a VT team with nothing to lose, bad things are going to happen, fast.
7. Guaranteed Rate Bowl
Matchup: Minnesota (8-4, 6-3 B1G) vs. West Virginia (6-6, 4-5 B12)
Viewing Info: Tuesday, Dec. 28, 9:15 p.m. CT, ESPN
Location: Chase Field, Phoenix, Ariz.
Why were Minnesota fans mad on Selection Sunday to get this bowl? Because it’s “worse”? Who cares? They get an easier matchup, a better kickoff time (if we’re being honest), warmer weather, etc. Would you really rather be playing in the hole in the ground that is Nashville, or the lively, decadent Phoenix?
Minnesota should pound West Virginia into the ground.
6. Chick-fil-A Peach Bowl
Matchup: No. 10 Michigan State (10-2, 7-2 B1G) vs. No. 12 Pittsburgh (11-2, 7-1 ACC)
Viewing Info: Thursday, Dec. 30, 6:00 p.m. CT, ESPN
Location: Mercedes-Benz Stadium, Atlanta, Ga.
This would be higher if the Ken’s were playing, but, nevertheless, it should still whip. These teams are far more than their two best players.
Both teams vaulted expectations this year, finishing in the top half of their conferences as a result of their out-of-the-ordinary high-powered offenses. Pitt, with ____ at quarterback, should still be able to throw all over a Michigan State secondary that’s probably the worst playing this week (yes, including Rutgers.)
5. SRS Distribution Las Vegas Bowl
Matchup: Wisconsin (8-4, 6-3 B1G) vs. Arizona State (8-4, 6-3 Pac-12)
Viewing Info: Thursday, Dec. 30, 9:30 p.m. CT, ESPN
Location: Allegiant Stadium, Las Vegas, Nev.
As someone who has taken far too many statistics classes in his relatively short lifespan, I’m flabbergasted that SRS Distribution is a shipping company. For some reason I thought it was a method to determine distribution of a data set, and that was really confused that these mathematicians had enough money to sponsor a bowl game.
Whatever, Braelon Allen is going to run for 200+ yards and Wisconsin will win by 17.
4. Outback Bowl
Matchup: Penn State (7-5, 4-5 B1G) vs. No. 21 Arkansas (8-4, 4-4 SEC)
Viewing Info: Saturday, January 1, 11:00 a.m. CT, ESPN2
Location: Raymond James Stadium, Tampa, Fla.
This is going to be a low-scoring, drudgy, 1800s bar-fight of a game. I can’t see Penn State’s offense, without Jahan Dotson, doing anything against the mammoth front of the Razorbacks. Arkansas, best known for WOMPIN teams into submission and for having a nose tackle with a gravitational pull larger than Pluto’s, should feast on the Penn State offensive line, which has been their weak point my entire life.
The Penn State defense is pretty alright, but even without Treylon Burks I’d expect them to struggle against the decaf Monster Cam Newton, KJ Jefferson. With the opt outs throughout this unit, I don’t see how they can stop the 6’4, 245lb dual-threat.
3. Rose Bowl Game Presented by Capital One Venture X
Matchup: No. 6 Ohio State (10-2, 8-1 B1G) vs. No. 11 Utah (10-3, 8-1 Pac-12)
Viewing Info: Saturday, January 1, 4:00 p.m. CT, ESPN
Location: Rose Bowl, Pasadena, Calif.
Would this game be higher if Ohio State’s best players didn’t opt out?
No, actually, because Utah will probably kick their ass regardless. You know the Utes, most known for being the toughest team west of the Mississippi despite living in a state whiter and more uptight than a wrapped stack of saltines. The Utes, who live off ruining the playoff chances of the rest of the PAC. The Utes, what happens when Iowa and Wisconsin have a baby and tell it that God hates them.
Not a single Ohio State fan will be at this game. This is a potential ass-kicking that fundamentally alters your program forever. You know, if that didn’t already happen to Ohio State at the end of November. Can you have two program changing losses in a season? We’re about to find out.
2. TransPerfect Music City Bowl
Matchup: Purdue (8-4, 6-3 B1G) vs. Tennessee (7-5, 4-4 SEC)
Viewing Info: Thursday, Dec. 30, 2:00 p.m. CT, ESPN
Location: Nissan Stadium, Nashville, Tenn.
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1. Vrbo Citrus Bowl
Matchup: No. 15 Iowa (10-3, 7-2 B1G) vs. No. 22 Kentucky (9-3, 5-3 SEC)
Viewing Info: Saturday, January 1, 12:00 p.m. CT, ABC
Location: Camping World Stadium, Orlando, Fla.
Maybe I’m sick and disturbed. Maybe I have unresolved trauma. Maybe I was berated and beaten by a wide receiver when I was younger that has led me down the dark, horridly gloomy well that makes me love this matchup. One day I woke up in the middle of The Descent and decided I was never going to leave.
Really, this game has everything you want in a meaningless bowl: the chance to be unforgettable. Kirk Ferentz and Kirk Ferentz Jr. square off for the first time in their careers, implying one of three things has happened: the heat death of the universe, Jesus was resurrected, or Iowa got embarrassed on national television again.
This is the best bowl game because exactly what we expect to happen will happen, and it’ll be hilarious. The game’s going to be competitive for four quarters, each team will trip over themselves at some point in the second half, Twitter will (rightfully) go after Brian Ferentz, and the losing fanbase will say the game didn’t even matter anyway.